Anxiety, depression, and the strength it takes to keep going instead of giving up and checking out… The reason I wanted to get into this heavier topic is that, with my own weird cluster of as-yet-determined health stuff, I monitor a lot of the chronic illness Facebook pages and socials. I will chime in here and there, but I also see trends: there’s a lot of people struggling with this. It is so hard, and so, it seems to be kind of in the collective chronic illness consciousness right now: the weight of this struggle and how to keep moving forward. Getting into this heavier topic, I appreciate that if you clicked this post with that in mind you might not feel like you are particularly worth it, but let’s kibosh that right off the bat.
I have this belief that every person, including you, has a gift to share with the world. The statistical odds of literally any of us making it into existence at all is really incredible to consider and so whatever your beliefs on that front, each of us could easily be considered a miracle. It makes no sense that we even exist based on the odds. So, I like to think that just maybe, we have a reason to be here as tiny and seemingly insignificant as we are in the great scheme of things. Sometimes we may come out with faulty wiring that might give us trouble earlier in the game than others, but you know what, we’re still here right now in this moment. So, if we can find the environments that help us shine or if we can create those environments then you can allow that tender Pearl that’s inside of you to shine. Whatever it may be, however it arrives, I believe we all have a gift to share with the world, and the saddest and most tragic thing is that so many people never get the chance to share it with us. That means that no matter how awful you feel, you are still here, you are still valuable, and all of humanity stands to benefit in some way across time and space from what you may have to offer. Think about how many amazing artists or authors never lived to see their work become famous, so how would you ever know? I hope with my work to be able to teach people the moving parts of creating those environments for themselves so that at least a little less of that human potential, because we have more power than we often realize (chronically ill or not). If you need a little extra reminder, mirror decals are a great way to sprinkle positive affirmations where you see yourself to help you make that neural connection: https://amzn.to/3VW33M3
Anxiety and depression often such a triggering thought for chronic illness warriors because so much of their struggle is dismissed on those grounds. Symptoms are thrown back at them with the disclaimers to lose weight, control your stress, or try yoga, and the horrifically offensive declaration that it’s “just anxiety or depression.” Those very valid mental health conditions are not “just” anything. They are legitimately debilitating in their own right and the people who are or may be navigating them deserve the same care as anyone else. Doctors are not psychiatrists or psychologists, and this might be an unpopular opinion, but I believe they need to stay in their own lane. If they suspect mental health is a cause of symptoms, referring to those professionals is the only right answer. Medication trials can be amazing with the right communication between doctor and patient, and with the right expectations in place to coincide with the medication trial. Just throwing medication at the wall is risky. Those trials can be amazing, but they can also leave people with side effects that do not necessarily go away after the medications are stopped. That said, in my own situation, I have learned how that desperation can tip that caution in a need for any relief. Sometimes a medication trial is that relief; that has been my personal experience. I am very glad I took the plunge and tried the medication, but only you and your doctor can talk that out and figure out what is best for you. If you don’t have a doctor that you feel you can have those conversations with, find a second opinion, try an online referral service, or talk to your pharmacist. We live in a world where we have all these professionals, and a lot of them might send you back to your family doctor, but you can still have a little bit of discourse with them and practice organizing your thoughts to help clarify more effectively when you bring this up again with your family doctor. Use the whole team, there is a whole team out there and most are happy to help as over-worked as they all are. We’re lucky to have them.
So, back to anxiety and depression: having your body rebelling against you without explanation or adequate care is a very, very valid reason to develop anxiety or depression. If doing things you enjoy and visiting the people you love just keeps getting more and more difficult, you might develop depression. If you suddenly have difficult and hard to predict symptoms which can derail your entire day, popping up and requiring adaptation and awkward explanations to work and social commitments, you might develop anxiety. If you go to your doctor for help and support only to receive dismissal and medical gaslighting, you might start to feel like you were going crazy. It is so hard feeling like your body is failing you in one way or another, or even several, and not knowing why as test after test comes back as normal. It is so hard to be told you are normal when you feel anything but normal or to not be met with the same concern by the person or people who are supposed to help you figure this out is brutal. So now, if you add the possibility of friends and/or family not believing you either, or accusing you of faking it for attention, or telling you that you’re just lazy… Any one of these facets of the chronic illness experience is enough to warrant the development of anxiety or depression, let alone the combination that most people deal with when trying to figure out their chronic illness. The saddest part is that even those who are fortunate enough to have a diagnosis are still at times dismissed or gaslit into questioning themselves and their lived experience by medical professionals or loved ones.
If you are a person with chronic illness listening to this: You are valid! This horrible story is all too common. You are not alone, and you have every reason to feel anger for it. Anger can be a powerful force of inspiration towards change, which is really what brought me here. I’m angry too! Let yourself be angry, and sad, and whatever else you need to feel so that you can be inspired by these experiences, however that might look for you.
If you are someone who loves a person who has been navigating these challenges in their own way, the fact that you are here is a really good sign. It might be hard to listen to, and you might wish you could take a break from all this chronic illness stuff, or that your loved one would just let it go more often, or maybe even question their experience despite your love. If this is hard for you to listen to or think about, imagine how exhausting it might be to live it every day. I will also say that caregiver burnout is very real and very valid challenge. The best thing you can do for us (those of us with chronic illness) is take care of you too, even if that means the need to step away sometimes. Learning the communication game about evolving needs between yourself and your chronically ill loved one matters so much. For the chronic illness warrior though, there is no break. Everything you do requires a functional body and mind. Even relaxing hobbies require physical or cognitive faculties, and so it is impossible to completely escape the new reality we find ourselves in with chronic illness. What’s more, it takes tremendous energy to hide it as best we can for the sake of the people around us. It becomes even harder to do that for the people closest to us, because we really do need someone in our lives to be that safe space where we can let go and know that we are still loved in spite of our now imperfect physical reality.
The self love game gets challenged so hard by this thing, whatever their brand of body-hijacking, they’re pushing forward with. Having people who still do the work to love them as they evolve in the ways they must while they figure out existence in this new chronically ill state is the greatest gift that anyone can offer. Easy love is never the most rewarding love life offers us anyhow, so take them at their word when they share their struggles with you and accept the compliment that act represents. It takes courage and trust to put that out there for you, and it means that you matter enough to try with what limited energy they have. Finding grace for yourself and each other is the calling of loving someone with chronic illness, and that is not always easy. But that effort is so valuable and so beautiful. Even for those without chronic illness, I have heard the phrase true love is learning to fall in love with the person you are continually becoming, while grieving the loss of the person you were over and over again. Somewhere, I cannot remember where I heard that. If you know where that comes from, please comment for me! But it stuck, and I think that perspective on all kinds of love (romantic, familial, friendship, etc.) would make our communities generally so much stronger.
So, if you or someone you love is also fighting the black dog of depression or the piglet of anxiety here is another point that might help the weight of it a bit. The only sane ones left in profoundly sick world are anything. This world is a heavy place with heavy happenings and a tough environment that is also unhealthy, inherently unhealthy. Like, we have plastic in our brains and lungs folks! We’re against the odds these days. So, we just have the unfortunate role of acting as canaries in the coal mines to a poisoned world. Those of us with chronic illness and mental health difficulties should be a warning that humanity really needs a new direction for the well-being of all of us. Even if you cannot do as many things now, take heart that your presence alone is valuable in that your experience and your story matter. I hope you will share it when and where you can (here is a journal that might help you organize some thoughts on paper towards such aims: https://amzn.to/3Wru1LF). If you love one of these canaries, your job is so important and beautiful as well in helping them carry on. So, pat yourself on the back! It’s not always easy, but it is beautiful.
And remember, you can do all the right things and still get sick! Do not blame yourselves. Do not let other people blame you. No one is perfect. No one is doing these things perfectly and you probably very highly likely did the best you could with the knowledge and resources you had with the time you were given before you got sick. Thank you for listening to my chronic illness mental health rant today. If nothing else, I hope I helped you feel a little better about things maybe and inspired a mantra or two to carry you along when the mind is being a little less time or encouraged.
I am not a registered psychologist or psychiatrist, nor a medical doctor, and so this information and any suggestions herein should be discussed with them for your individual support. Every case is different, so you and your team know you the best. If you are struggling with thoughts for feelings that are too heavy to bear or the possibility of checking out has arisen for you at any point recently, please look to local emergency mental health supports such as the suicide crisis line at 988. This number applies for both Canada and the USA. There are also more localized provincial and state resources which might be more applicable to you as well, such as LGBTQ+ aware resources or religious resources which might speak to you more safely and effectively. Be well!
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