Today I would like to draw your attention to an emotion that certainly does not get the attention it deserves: happiness. After the weight of my blog post regarding anxiety and depression in chronic illness, I thought this topic would be a great way to help balance that out and contemplate ways to move forward for anybody fighting a bit in the mental health game lately. While there is so much attention paid to the way things might not be working like dis-order, dis-ease, & dis-tress it is critical that we also remember to clarify what things look like when things are working well so that we have a goal in mind. Clarifying that goal makes it easier to recognize when we’re taking those small steps in that direction and creating momentum towards that state.
So, happiness… First off, how do you feel when I say that word? Do an honest check in with yourself here: happiness— What do you feel when that comes up for consideration? It might not be happiness at all. It might not have that effect on you, and that’s probably more common than you’d think.
If you are a fellow chronic illness warrior, you might feel like it’s some elusive, slippery fish you’re trying to hold on to. If you have mental health challenges, it might feel like some just some distant memory. Maybe a memory comes up for you that promotes some of those happy vibes. If it’s a point that you kind of struggle with, it might leave you feeling sad or angry to think about. Maybe there’s not much of a feeling there at all if it’s just something you don’t really think about very often, or perhaps you think of loved ones or activities that bring you joy. This list could go on and on, because, as the research shows we actually all have slightly different perspectives on what happiness even is.
Psychology, so fixated on sickness, has not really given very much attention to clarifying that definition. There’s been some efforts, fascinating ones, but this leaves even the most educated a little bit unclear about exactly what happiness it is. To understand how happiness comes into peoples lives and what really bolsters it for them is where the research has been focused, so at least we can gain from that pragmatic slant. We do know, like with most things, too much of anything is a bad thing (even happiness!). It can lead to a condition called ‘mania’ which is exhausting and difficult for those that suffer the affliction.
In short, being too happy makes balanced decision making and impulse control really difficult, which can lead to some messes to clean up socially and economically after the mania tapers down. If this is ever an experience for you, please talk to your doctor about a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist; it often does need treatment supports and is often connected to bipolar disorders. If you or anyone you know navigates that, my heart goes out to those folks because it would not be easy to live with.
So, not enough happiness is difficult, and too much happiness is considered pathological. So how do we get that baby-bear-just-right-porridge-type happiness into our lives? After studying this directly through my psychology degree as well as various spiritual perspectives on the matter over the years, I have these top three keys that I’m going to share with you today to help unlock balanced happiness and psychological well-being. Or at the very least, maybe crack that open a little bit more for yourself.
Key #1: Gratitude.
This one comes with tons of research to support it in the field of positive psychology, including research into the most effective action steps with chronic illness. On not saying, “be grateful it isn’t worse,” this is something that’s thrown at people with chronic illness a lot. You could have cancer, but for some with chronic illness, cancer would be a relief because there’s lots of science, doctors believe you, there’s a treatment protocol, and when you’re left without any of those things, cancer sounds like it might be a little easier to live with. What some chronic illnesses implant into peoples’ lives can never be assumed and therefore cannot be compared. That is not the gratitude that I am talking about today.
The type of gratitude that I’m trying to promote here is, well, as I say at the end of my podcast episodes, “appreciating the small things.” The cumulative power of learning to appreciate the little things in our lives can be a really powerful force for change. A journal is a great way to engage with this, but it doesn’t need to be as difficult or committed as you might think. The most effective use was found with only once or twice a week because it makes the practice more rich and meaningful, rather than just a habitual or automatic chore lumped in between brushing your teeth and getting dressed in the morning. It promotes a way of looking at the world that helps support happiness by helping us appreciate the various things that are nourishing us, things that otherwise are very easy to take for granted or to ignore completely until or unless they disappear from our lives. Our fallible human brains will fall into this trap not because of any personal failing. It is literally just how we’re wired to reduce cognitive energy expense expenditures that are not necessarily critical.
So, if we take a pause write down just three things, or more if you get things flowing. Don’t stop it if you don’t have to, but you can. Just three things – once or twice a week. This could be point form even. It can literally take a minute of your time. No matter what you’ve got going on, you can afford a minute or two of investment into happiness. The best part is you then have a resource to help shift momentum during times and you do not necessarily feel great about life and how it’s going. This practice offers perspective about the things that are nourishing and supporting you, and so looking back when you feel a little less nourished can be helpful at turning that tide. You start to see the various things that are there for you, supporting you, then focus on them and connect with them more thoroughly.
It does not need to be profound. In fact, that’s another trap that we get ourselves into. We can be grateful for things like flush toilets, clean drinking water, kitty-cuddles, your local library, finding a coin on the sidewalk, dragon flies and spiders for eating your local mosquitoes, coffee, a great pen… Seriously, the possibilities are endless. Can you look out your window? That’s a gift. The fact that I have all this wonderful technology to be able to say this to you today is a gift. The fact that you can read this, or days with our loved ones. The ability to walk without pain or difficulty is a gift… We have so many of these gifts and they’re so easy to just allow to pass us by unless we kind of make this practice a part of our lives in some way shape or form.
The major point of advice on this one is: just do it. Do not take it too seriously. Just let it flow from you. You are not drafting a masterpiece for publication here. It can be anything; it can be as silly or ridiculous as you’d like, whatever it is literally does not matter if it is just for you. It is your gift to yourself.
Key #2: Acceptance.
I can almost feel the seething from my chronic illness peeps through the airwaves at that statement. I am sick too though, and I’m not saying these keys are necessarily the easiest thing in the world. I can’t run away anymore, so please don’t lynch me! If we can’t laugh at these things, what do we have really? But that ability to laugh at these things comes from acceptance. We can’t laugh ourselves or a situation unless we first accept that’s where it’s at. And that can take time. It is not instantaneous, but that’s OK too. Part of the process of acceptance is grieving such losses, just as much as reaching that point where you can kind of laugh as a little bit. Acceptance is not some perfect destination, but rather a journey that continuously evolves. Wherein some parts are absolutely easier than others, there is no other choice unless you choose to continually torture yourself.
In my yoga here’s one of elements of my practice included something called the Yamas and Niyamas. They were and are definitely a beautiful element of my spiritual life. In short, these are the internal restraints and practices: the practices are things we work to build in our lives and in the world around us, while the restraints are kind of things you take into yourself and contemplate. So, I was taught that the best way to work with these was to choose one, just one, and study it deeply to understand how it flows within all aspects of your life. Whether it’s relationships, or the “chop wood, carry water” aspects of our lives (wash dishes, fold laundry might be an apt modernization), whatever it was. I chose Aparigraha, which is non-attachment, or some might say non-greed. I prefer non-attachment, as I feel it’s more all-encompassing for what I’ve kind of felt the concept to be. Here I will note that there are so many interpretations and translations out there and likely some who might disagree with that sentiment, I will also wholly appreciate that I am a white Canadian woman working with wisdom from ancient India. I give them thanks for the gift of such perspectives and recognition that it is not wisdom that comes from my own genealogical roots.
So how does non-attachment relate to acceptance? Well, we become very attached to certain aspects of ourselves when we like it, or we feel proud of it, or it becomes comfortable within our lives. Nothing in life is meant to last forever because: entropy, change is the only guarantee. When it is time for change which impacts one of those aspects of our lives, we tend to react. In Buddhism, this is often considered the root of all suffering. This is also the place where our power lives, to either collapse under the weight of loss or trust that other things will flow into the spaces left behind.
Acceptance appreciates that nothing lasts forever, and that this is what makes moments with these things that touch us in this way all the more beautiful… Again, this is not easy. This is why I have chosen this yama to study because it’s not my forte either (although I like to think I have gotten a bit better at it over the years). Acceptance is especially tricky for those of us who are newer to the chronic illness game. Even for those who have been in it for some time I think it’s going to be an ongoing struggle somewhat. If you’re healthy, it’s human nature to become attached to that physical prowess with which to navigate in the world.
So now. Ready for this one? This is the place where all things begin and end (arguably)…
Key #3: Love.
Now, when I say love, I do not mean any specific kind of love. There are several kinds: romantic love, sexual love, friendships are kind of love, close moments with a stranger, and those brief moments with acquaintances are still kinds of love. Any connection that nourishes those involved is love. There must be a give and take; moments shared, not stolen. However, love does not expect or demand anything in return. Our culture has promoted a very limiting perspective on love which I generally disagree with because it has closed our hearts to the various types of love which could show up for us in our lives.
Offering smile to a stranger is an act of love. Putting a bit of extra effort in for a familiar customer is an act of love. Letting someone know they’re on your mind and saying hi. Showing up to surprise friend with a gift on their birthday, or any day really. Washing the dishes after your partner has cooked supper. A hug. Sending a humorous meme which you thought someone might like. Sharing a book recommendation or a research article. Sweeping the floor is an act of love for the spaces which nourish us. Love shows up in so many ways, but only if we allow ourselves to recognize it as such. And accept it when it comes.
The research in positive psychology, says again and again that connection is critical to happiness at any age and regardless of neurodivergence. That said, we (neuro-spicy folks) have different ways of expressing different preferences for giving and receiving with others, and different tolerances for the frequency of social engagement. Learning and appreciating this perspective and recognizing and respecting these differences is (you guessed it…) also an act of love. So, connection and love absolutely makes us happy and helps facilitate happiness and positive emotional states overall. This cannot be denied, as much as I am an absolute introvert; it is not easy, but it is worth it. Finding the balance between loving and honoring your own differences and limitations while learning about and doing the same for those who show up in your life is always a work worthwhile investment.
Those are your three keys to help keep your eyes on the prize toward happiness: gratitude, acceptance, and love. Are you surprised by any of these? Maybe you’d trade one out for something else? Which one feels easiest or hardest to practice right now for you?
I would love to hear your thoughts — share them in the comments below or reach out if you’d like to chat more about this topic.
When you’re ready to take the next step in your healing journey, click below to explore how I can help you find more joy and peace in everyday life.
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